Thursday, June 30, 2016

One Day I'll Be Drummed Out of Canada

Let me start by saying this post doesn't concern either my knitting or the furry members of my family. Weird, right?

This post got its start because Roomie said something about buying Kraft Dinner next payday, and I internally cringed. I intensely dislike KD; the watery, supposedly "cheese" sauce makes me want to gag. And then I started thinking about all the things that Canadians are supposed to like or do that I don't.

First is my aforementioned dislike of KD, which people seem to think of as our national dish.

Secondly, I don't "do" maple. Period. Not in syrup. Not in oatmeal. Not in doughnuts. Nope, not for me. And before you suggest I can't stomach the sweetness, as a kid I used to sneak mouthfuls of corn syrup. And I can drink Purity syrup (a Newfoundland staple) straight, without mixing it with water. I can handle sweet. I just don't get the big deal about maple. It's tree sap, people; why not go lick a birch or elm and see what that tastes like?

Further evidence I'll be thrown out: I don't like Tim Horton's. Not the doughnuts. Definitely not the coffee (to be fair, I don't like any coffee). And that steeped tea? It should be listed as a crime against teas!! I can walk be a Timmie's without a problem; no temptation for me at all. And that *has* to be un-Canadian, doesn't it?

Ok, enough food reasons to throw me out on my kiester, what else?

I did not get on the Blue Jays bandwagon last year. I don't care if they're the only Canadian team in MLB, I will never cheer for them. Bring back the Expos and I might start rooting for a Northern team. Until then, Go, Twins!!

I do not insert the letter and/or sound "eh" into my sentences while speaking. Actually, the only person I recall ever doing this was an old fella who said "Eh?" instead of "Pardon?" when he couldn't hear what someone said. Oh, and Bob and Doug Mackenzie, but that's shtick.

I never found "Due South" funny. Paul Gross is an amazing actor, don't get me wrong. He's been brilliant in both big and small screen projects (his role as Kevin Crocker on "Republic of Doyle" comes to mind). But "Due South"? Nope, not even a brilliant actor could save that one for me.

I don't understand the obsession with bacon. Ok, in my defense, I'm actually allergic to anything coming from a pig: porkchops, bacon, whatever you list can be spelled p-o-i-s-o-n to me. So, yeah, bacon-topped everything just doesn't appeal. Anyone for a nice turkey drumstick?

And that last one brought us back to food lol Funny how that happens, isn't it? We're a nation that thinks with our stomachs.

Or our throats, because that reminds me of something else: beer. I cannot drink beer; I can't get passed the smell. Beer, to me, is gross. And it's not like I'm some teetotaler; I drink on a fairly regular basis when I go out. I usually go for a rum and cola, a pina colada if I'm feeling festive. Or a whiskey*, neat, if it's been that kind of day/week. (* in my mind there is only one whiskey: Jameson. on less than a handful of times I have allowed Bushmills to pass my lips. That's it; after all, it was a bottle of Jameson that awoke poor Finnegan at his wake ;) ) Give me a shot of Screech, a bottle of Schnapps (peppermint preferably, but peach or butter ripple have their place), etc. But not beer. Call me un-Canadian or what have you, this girl is not a beer drinker.

Hmm. what else? I watch hockey; I even cheer for a Canadien team ;) (see what I did there?) The Holiday Season is not complete without hearing Bob and Doug Mackenzie's "12 Days of Christmas" at least once. And since they've decided to change lyrics in "Oh Canada" to make it "more inclusive", I say we scrap it and replace it with either The Arrogant Worms' "Canada is Really Big" or "We Are the Beaver". Either would provide us with a majestic anthem at the Olympics or other international sporting events.

On the basis of these points, I might be allowed to stay (I say might, because I'm pretty sure the whole beer, bacon and Tim Horton's segments of the population are gonna lobby to have me tossed.). I'm hopeful anyway. Lucky thing St. Pierre and Miquelon are only 25 clicks off the coast from here; I hear a lot of expatriots wind up in France... and they have rum. This could work in my favor...

If one day I do get drummed out

P.S. Happy Birthday, dear Canada, from a 2nd generationer (Dad's side), and immigrant's daughter (1st generation; Mum's side) who did the unthinkable and moved east from out West and didn't stop in Ontario, instead plunking herself on this lovely Rock, even though she still can't swim

P.S.S I wasn't kidding; "Canada is Really Big" or "We Are the Beaver" should be made the anthem. Have a listen and tell me what you think; personally I'm leaning a bit more towards "Canada is Really Big"
Canada is Really Big
We Are the Beaver  

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